There is only the briefest of moments when I feel afraid. And I mean really afraid. I’m deep in the thicket of the Volcanoes National Park in the northwest corner of Rwanda and I’m standing one metre away from an agitated four-hundred-pound Silverback gorilla.

Over the last two years, facilitators like me were forced to pivot our training programmes for the online space. As someone BBF (Born Before Technology), I’m loathe to admit that this concept was entirely overwhelming at first. But like the title of acclaimed South African satirist Pieter-Dirk Uys’s first one-man show, it was an Adapt or Dye situation – well, in my case – Adapt or Die!

They say a true Parisian woman can size you up from your head to your shoes and back up again in milliseconds, so fast that most people won’t even notice ‘the look’. If judgment calls are made just by passing someone in the street, imagine the reaction to a clumsy elevator pitch.

I’ve had enough. There, I’ve said it. I long for the energy of presence, regular face-to-face contact and a shared sense of social identity. I call this the X-factor. This has to do with connections, engagement and being with our colleagues. It is the need we have for each other and to be united around something that matters. It is also the positive obligation to contribute to the group and culture, and to share our talents and build relationships.

Senior managers at Statistics South Africa (Stats SA) attended Media and Communication training on 16 and 17 April 2019 at ISIbalo House. The trainees were divided into two groups, and one group per day was trained on how to conduct themselves in media interviews. The training was conducted by Ms Janine Lazarus from Janine Lazarus Media Consultancy.

During workshops on Key Message Development, I always beat on about only having three key messages at hand to carry you through any form of communication – particularly when it means having to convey something unpalatable. Anything more than that tends to get lost in the bubbling maelstrom of information we have to wade through each day.

Let’s call it like it is for once, shall we? No tiresome beating around the bush. Governments generally don’t want you to know that they have Big Boy public relations machinery working for them. Bell Pottinger is one repugnant South African case in point.

I don’t know if you, like me, are mortified by the way people write – or shall I say attempt to write – these days. It seems perfectly acceptable to misspell names, to abbreviate words into The Dreaded Text Speak, and then to sign off with an obligatory emoji.

If there could be anything worse than the largest ever recorded outbreak of this severe form of listeriosis globally, it could only be the way it has been communicated. In fact, from a crisis communications perspective, the killer polony scandal can be used as a case study of how NOT to respond to an unfolding tragedy of such mammoth proportions.

OK. So you’ve learned the basics of how to deal with the media. And you think you’re ready. The fact is – you’re not. When last did you go through rigorous Media Skills Training? A few years ago? And was it a rather dull PowerPoint presentation with a handy guide book thrown in for good measure?